Change

Not many people believe it. I admit i at one point let the truth brush off my shoulders, but you don’t even know its true until you have truly witnessed it first hand.

 Its funny how many people have heard this, and yet it still doesn’t register in their minds. I believe this is because they have never truly felt it. They have never truly had their lives change in a matter of seconds. I mean sure everyone has heard of how when your about to meet death first hand you see a bright light. Some have even spun it off as a joke. But do they ever truly see it as a joke or is it just another way of brushing off the fact that they do have fear and that they are scared. I, on one hand have never experienced the bright light, but its not just meeting death that can change your life. Some believe that death is way worse than your parents getting divorced, a sibling being banished out of the family, or even failing at the one thing you truly wanted to succeed in. 

But its not.

 Sure i know that losing someone that you loved and cared about is very difficult. I recently have experienced such a thing. When it does happen and you see all the people around you with tears running down their face and loud sobs escaping them it makes you want to be strong. It makes you want to be the one who helps others make it through. It makes you want to be as un-difficult as possible. But sometimes life doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to choose. Some people just say “hey what happens, happens and their isn’t anything you can do about it.” In some cases this may be true, and when it is you have this empty feeling where you feel helpless and are about to give up on the world. People forget that even when things are looking down that their is always a way to feel happy again. We just have to find the things, people, and activities that give you back that sense of hope.

 Its interesting how people can become scared enough of the truth that they have to lie to the person they care about most. Everyone has heard the saying that it all starts with a little white lie. This is true. The after affects of telling a lie make your stomach churn. Makes your throat tighten. Makes you even want to keep up adding on to the small lie that started it all. At first the lie rolls off your shoulders as if it will never come up again and will be irrelevant. But it doesn’t. Soon enough the truth always comes out. Because even after you tell lie after lie soon you have a hole stack, but then something gets off balance and it all comes tumbling back down where at the bottom you find the truth. Once that person you cared about so much does find out the truth you want to crawl up in a ball and hide. Then you want to wish you never even lied in the first place, but everyone knows you cant just turn back the clock and fix things. These are called your mistakes. 

You learn from you mistakes so in the future you can be smarter and wiser. These mistakes such as seeing the expression on your loved ones face after they heard the truth stays in your mind with you where ever you go. You have to walk around with the guilt. You have to walk around with knowing you hurt someone so bad that they wont talk to you.You walk around with the possibility of losing that person on your conscious. A lot of people say “Forgive and Forget” is the best way to move on. I, personally disagree. I mean sure i’ll forgive people and i’ll let it go, but that does not mean i will forget what you did to hurt me in any way. Some might say that if you dont forget about it that it makes you bitter. I don’t think so. I feel as if if you remember you become wiser with your decisions so in the future you don’t make the same mistakes as you did before. I feel as if you forgive the people that hurt you and don’t forget what they did you can be more aware about the people who you surround yourself with. I feel like you start to reanalyze the people you spend your time with. I feel like i have to be careful with those i trust. Now theres a word i do not associate with many of the people i know. 

Trust: (my definition) This term means someone who you can always count on. Someone you know will be there for you through the tough things. Someone that will help out with even the tiniest of favors. Someone that helps even when not asked. But most of someone who truly, truly knows you.

 I find it hard to trust others mostly because of the things i’ve seen go on around me as well as my own experiences that have made me feel this way. I feel that people have to prove themselves to me that can be trustworthy. Maybe its harsh. Maybe i’m rude or mean when i say this, but i need proof that that person will be able to have my back through tough times. People I have known for years still do not have my trust. So no, trust in my opinion does not come with time. Trust comes with care. Trust comes with all of the small things a person does for me or the people around me that prove that they are trustworthy. But the tricky part is that trust comes with risk. Its your decision on whether or not you want to take it. On whether or not you want to become dependent on someone. On whether or not you want to lay yourself out on the line.

 All of these decisions come with change. Good or bad. Better or worse. It depends on how you look at them that determine who you are and who you can become.